The bottle and the bomb

3 people were on a plane. One said to the pilot, "I have a glass bottle. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window. The second one asked the same question and the pilot also told him to throw it out the window. The third one asked the pilot, "I have a bomb. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window. When they landed they met a man crying. When asked why he was crying, he replied, "Because I got hit in the head with a glass bottle. They met a woman who was crying for the same reason. Then the met a man laughing. They asked him why he was laughing and he replied, "Because I walked by a building and farted. Then the building blew up.

There's a little fellow named Jimmy who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Jimmy's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top. To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Jimmy his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Jimmy grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Jimmy, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Jimmy said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again."or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.

emails

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

DUMB LAWS IN NEW JERSEY

It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.
All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.

stupidity

a guy attemted to siphon petrol from a motorhome n the police arrived to find him rollin on the floor ill n lyin next to spilled sewege. he'd put the siphoning hose in their sewege tank by mistake. the owners didnt press charges cos it was the best laugh theyd had


a guy aims and fires a gun at someone when it fails to go off, he looks down the barrel n pulls the trigger again this time it works.


a guy in hospital with severe facial injuries is asked how he got them .he replies that he was trying to see how close he could get his face to a moving train before he got hit.


a guy goes into mcdonalds demanding money at gun point. they reply that they cant access the till without a food order. he orders onion rings. they dont serve onion rings after breakfast. the guy walks away frustrated.


a female is robbed in a shop. they call the police n they get the guy, take him to the shop for a positive id 'yes, thats the woman i stole the purse from'

In France, the young assistant priests do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the priest and his housekeeper. One day the priest invited his new young assistant priest to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young priest noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper.
After the meal was over, the middle-aged priest assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the priest and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter."
So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father priest, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."

DUMB LAWS IN North Carolina

State Law - It's against the law to sing off key.
State Law - Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
Forest City - You must stop and call City Hall before entering town in an automobile. This is so the townspeople will have time to go out and hold their horses until you get through town.
Rocky Mount - All residents owning a dog must pay a property tax based on the value of the dog.